I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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