Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My bed smells like the plague
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