Christians are straight up FREAKS
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
