Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
