Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
