My friends, they love my intelligence
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
