My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
