i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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