That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
