best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
