i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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