When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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