He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
