i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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