If i come over, it means nothing
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
