What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
