he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
