She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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