Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Congratulations! We have a period
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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