a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
this is an emotional support booty call
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
