she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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