That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
