dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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