the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
