Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
