so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
