Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
