Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
