"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
