If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
