woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
