I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
