Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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