I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
