i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
