your parents love me but you hate me
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
