seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
