Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
