You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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