If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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