I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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