So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
