People in love make me want to vomit
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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