I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
