I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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