So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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