Your face is a jimmy john
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
