i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
