Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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