First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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